CD 10

I think my angel talked to me this morning ;) I'm on CD 10 so I don't think I'm close to Oing yet (but my cycles have been known to be screwy) so DH and had a little fun and I decided what could it hurt? So I laid low to let it all "soak" in, any ttcer knows all about that. Laying there I was listening to the radio and thought alright if Just a Dream comes on I'll take it as a sign that this isn't wasting my time and wait the extra 10 minutes, but if any other song comes on I will get up. Well needless to day Just a Dream played. I still think it might be too early but I think it was Kaitlin's way of telling me not to give up like I feel like doing at the end of every cycle.

Hours after our morning adventures, sitting at the computer (as I work later today) I felt a pain in my left side. Which then went away after about 5 minutes. No cramps or anything. Could it ovulation pain? We'll see I guess, I still think it's took early but these are the random pains I worry about. Not to mention I did a OPK last night and barely could even see that there was a second line so I'm guessing the hormone just isn't there.

I go the ultrasound tonight so more might be added later to this post. Even though I'm SURE they won't say anything really about it.

So me being curious as usual led me to this finding:

What are the symptoms of ovarian cysts?

Many ovarian cysts don't cause symptoms. Others can cause:

• --> pressure, swelling, or pain in the abdomen
• --> pelvic pain
• --> dull ache in the lower back and thighs
• --> problems passing urine completely
• --> pain during sex
• weight gain
• --> pain during your period (doesn't everybody?)
  
• abnormal bleeding
• nausea or vomiting
• breast tenderness

However like always if any ole person were to look at the symptoms they probably would find the same amount of them a I did...

Okay so I went through and made a chart of my charts. I wanted something simple that listed start day, cycle length, O dates and luteal phases. According to my chart my cycles seem to be getting longer?? It seems they are increasing in length. Also I used to O on day 14, which I discovered through charting and i know it how it worked before I got pregnant, but now it's getting later and later in my cycle. Also I think my luteal phase might also be getting potentially messed up too some...my last cycle it took an extra two days comparing my other dates and times to that month. I'm not a doctor so I don't know what all this means but it doesn't seem right. I also had a few "blank" months that I only know my start and stop day since I took the month off for various reasons, but the months I do know they still seem messed up.

Went for my ultrasound tonight. She found only one follicle forming on my left side, WHICH is the side I had pain in earlier today. She thinks it should be a little bigger than what it's measuring but then if my cycles are getting longer than it might not be. I didn't see what the inet said cysts would look like but maybe i'm just too early on? I really hope this isn't all for naught, I do hope these ultrasounds tell my doc SOMETHING and that something is NOT come back again next month, grumble. Until I meet with my doc I won't know more. On to another CD tomorrow.

CD 9

So today was day two with the 4 month old. He's a cranky boy. Which most of it is just learning how to respond to him and knowing what he wants when he cries. Which I'm getting slowly. So it was rough day. Not to mention we had a Halloween parade where I needed to get 3 infants dressed and ready to go. Then get them undressed and fed before one was picked up for the doctors. It was crazy busy, no time to rest and now I'm sore, very sore.

CD 8

Another half day at work since i gave up some hours to help out a co-worker. I cleaned a little, read the PreSeed package some, nothing to glaring to report. It was a good day.

Private Practice is on tonight.

CD 7

So I work in childcare and in the infant room. A job I got after loosing Kaitlin. I knew taking the job that I could have to deal with newborns or children born around the same time Kaitlin would have been. I haven't up until this week. We got a new little one. He is 4 months old. He actually just turned 4 months. He was born a month after Kaitlin should have been. So he's served as a reminder of what I lost in February. If it wasn't for the fact that he cried or my other one cried on and off through out the day I think I would have cried too. It was bitter sweet to say the least. It makes me want one more, but it also makes my arms ache for the one I lost. At this point, looking at him I don't know if I will ever be ready to see the little girl born to DH's cousin a few months after Kaitlin should have been. Atleast this one is a boy. I can't imagine looking at a little girl with the same hair color Kaitlin had. The boy has red hair. When I look at his blue eyes I can see her starring back at me, it's weird. I've been avoiding as much as possible all of the little babies. When I see them in stores I look away. Older ones I can deal with, but the little bundled ones I can't look at. It just reminds me too much of the day I held her all bundled.

So today was rough and I have back again on Thursday, but Thursday is a half day for me.

CD 6

Another work day. AF is totally gone, not even the slightest trace and has been for two days so I'm feeling much better. This is the time in my cycle I feel the most optimistic.

I read on my forum that if you hold a baby around O time that it's supposed to increase your chance. I would like to know why I haven't conceived yet...grumble.

Oh I also ordered PreSeed last week. It's a special lubricant that is made to NOT kill spermies that
many women my not have enough up there so this helps. Other kinds like KY and such aren't specially formulated so it hinders the process. Many people say they got pregnant first try with it so at this point why not?

Also this month is the month of tests for me since I went and saw our doc the other day. Friday of this week I go for an ultrasound to see if I have cysts, the shape of my uterus, etc. The on the 11th, 13th and 15th they take blood to see if I have all the right horomones. Then the week of Thanksgiving I go for the test results.

CD 5

Nothing to blaring to report today. DH and shared some special time which always better spent when we aren't thinking about making a baby. It's like when your doing it for a purpose it looses some magic, which is probably why they say when you give up trying you get preggers since your not worrying about it. Other than that it was a relaxing day spent indoors.

CD 4

Well bright and early we went to NYC today it was a bus trip so no need to pay attention to maps and such. I laid back and listened my playlist I made about Kaitlin for most of the trip down. I drowned the world around me and immersed myself in her and myself. It was nice and peaceful and quiet. It didn't depress me much, just sort of relaxed me. I sometimes think she communicates through certain songs, that I can almost feel her love when I listen to them. I know some will think that is silly, but I take comfort in it.

The rest of the day went well. The depression seems to be lifting, but then again so does AF.

CD 3

I was asked today how I was feeling by a co-worker. She said she asked because I looked down. I do hope I'm not that transparent. However it could be the lack of sleep I've had the past few nights catching up with me :\ No rest though. I have a meeting after work and then early tomorrow morning we are off to NYC. I was feeling a little down today. Still dealing with AF and I hate dealing with her. When she's staying with me it's like a reminder hourly of how we failed again. So i like it when her stay is brief.

CD 2

I work in child care so I went back to work today and thankfully it was only a half day. Somedays it's hard taking care of other's baby's when I don't have one of my own. I also learned that we will be getting a new kid, only 4 months old next week. I think it will be a tough week.

The two I have now are much older and so I don't connect them so much with Kaitlin. She will always be a baby in my mind so any baby that is really little I don't pay much attention to, because it bothers me. If I see them in stores I divert my eyes, it's just easier.

CD 1

I wanted to write a blog about my experiences, I realized on CD 10 that writing one about how I feel as I go through a cycle that which will probably end in failure was an idea. Perhaps it will help others realize that it's okay to feel the way we do. It's okay that I feel the way I feel.

CD1 I had circled on the calender, as I do every start of a new cycle (I find the day that I can expect AF to show again). We have now been trying for 7 cycles.

This morning I woke up and with no signs of AF i tested, and of course it came back negative. I tested at 6 am and cried alone on the couch until 7. DH came out and of course I'm sure knew what was wrong almost immediately but asked and gave me big hugs and kisses. The problem is that I got my hopes up. I wasn't getting signs of AF, I had other weird signs that made me think I was preggers, so I had high hopes and they came crashing down around me at 6 am that morning.

And when the negative shows, it doesn't only say "hey this is another failed attempt" it also says "remember Kaitlin, and what you lost? how long ago was that now?" It just rubs in my face how much I wanted a baby and how brief our dear daughter stayed with us. It reminds me that I should be breastfeeding and trying to prevent pregnancy and not trying to get pregnant again. It reminds me that I have now been trying for 6 months/7 cycles and nothing. It makes me feel like there is something wrong with me and my body. That maybe all Kaitlin's problems were due to something I did, and maybe I can't get pregnant again because of something i did.

I didn't go to to work today, neither did DH. We went on an adventure which ended up being a little bit of waste of time, came home and spent the rest of day watching 24 cuddled on the couch. It didn't break away all my depression from the morning's events but it helped and it was nice to have a reconnect day.

TTC After a Loss

So really no one can relate to how it feels to go through a loss until they have had one of their own. It's a very personal, special and heartbreaking thing that can't be compared to anything else in the world. Sure people deal with loss, like the loss of a parent or a friend or an uncle, but loosing a baby is very different. I will even go on to say its even very different than loosing an older child. There is world of women that know what it's like. Some deal with having a miscarriage, others loss the infant when it was too early for medicine to intervene, others loose them during their struggle in the NICU, some loose them before they are born, and some die later at home due to SIDS or other complications. All these are very different, but also very much the same.

When you get pregnant, even if it's "unwanted" you quickly become attached. You start to think about when you bring them home, how they will grow up, what color their room will be, sharing them with others, and all the other hopes and dreams parents have for their children. Even before the mother starts showing these feelings and dreams and being created in the parents. When a pregnancy is lost early on society often feels the parents shouldn't feel anything, or not for a long period of time, but let me tell you something it stays with them forever. They lost a baby, they might not even have a picture of that baby, but they lost a baby. And the same goes for all the other kind of losses. No matter how soon or how long after they are born the heartbreak is real and it is more than just that they lost a baby. They are denied the right to be parent to that child, they are stripped of their mommy and daddy titles before they are given the chance to use them. I say it's different from loosing an older person because you can cherish the memories you had with them alive, you can relish in all the special moments they had and you had with them. When you loose a baby you might be lucky if you have one. You might not even have a picture. And in the case of early miscarriages, you never get to even see their sweet face. It is personal because no two stories are alike, we have our own paths and our own experiences. It's what makes us, our stories and our angels unique.

You might wonder why I say it's special. Because no matter how or how long they were with you you were a mother and a father for that brief period of time. You had a baby, and thats special and something to cherish. It's bittersweet, but it is special. This is why I can smile when talking about my baby girl. It tears me up inside that she's not here but it also makes me feel special that she was at one point. And for some reason because I can smile through her story people seem to think I'm alright, that i'm no longer grieving, that nothing is wrong, but I can say that there is and always will be something very much wrong...and I will always grieve.

And then you decide one day to try again...and this opens up a whole new world of worry, excitement, heartache and joy. Your excited to have another baby while your heart still aches for the one you lost. You grieve all over again each month as another cycle has led to failure. You find joy in the aspect of having another little one but worry about if this pregnancy will go the same way or if there will be a whole new world of complications, etc. This is where I am today, I'm TTC after a loss.