CD 1

I wanted to write a blog about my experiences, I realized on CD 10 that writing one about how I feel as I go through a cycle that which will probably end in failure was an idea. Perhaps it will help others realize that it's okay to feel the way we do. It's okay that I feel the way I feel.

CD1 I had circled on the calender, as I do every start of a new cycle (I find the day that I can expect AF to show again). We have now been trying for 7 cycles.

This morning I woke up and with no signs of AF i tested, and of course it came back negative. I tested at 6 am and cried alone on the couch until 7. DH came out and of course I'm sure knew what was wrong almost immediately but asked and gave me big hugs and kisses. The problem is that I got my hopes up. I wasn't getting signs of AF, I had other weird signs that made me think I was preggers, so I had high hopes and they came crashing down around me at 6 am that morning.

And when the negative shows, it doesn't only say "hey this is another failed attempt" it also says "remember Kaitlin, and what you lost? how long ago was that now?" It just rubs in my face how much I wanted a baby and how brief our dear daughter stayed with us. It reminds me that I should be breastfeeding and trying to prevent pregnancy and not trying to get pregnant again. It reminds me that I have now been trying for 6 months/7 cycles and nothing. It makes me feel like there is something wrong with me and my body. That maybe all Kaitlin's problems were due to something I did, and maybe I can't get pregnant again because of something i did.

I didn't go to to work today, neither did DH. We went on an adventure which ended up being a little bit of waste of time, came home and spent the rest of day watching 24 cuddled on the couch. It didn't break away all my depression from the morning's events but it helped and it was nice to have a reconnect day.