TTC After a Loss

So really no one can relate to how it feels to go through a loss until they have had one of their own. It's a very personal, special and heartbreaking thing that can't be compared to anything else in the world. Sure people deal with loss, like the loss of a parent or a friend or an uncle, but loosing a baby is very different. I will even go on to say its even very different than loosing an older child. There is world of women that know what it's like. Some deal with having a miscarriage, others loss the infant when it was too early for medicine to intervene, others loose them during their struggle in the NICU, some loose them before they are born, and some die later at home due to SIDS or other complications. All these are very different, but also very much the same.

When you get pregnant, even if it's "unwanted" you quickly become attached. You start to think about when you bring them home, how they will grow up, what color their room will be, sharing them with others, and all the other hopes and dreams parents have for their children. Even before the mother starts showing these feelings and dreams and being created in the parents. When a pregnancy is lost early on society often feels the parents shouldn't feel anything, or not for a long period of time, but let me tell you something it stays with them forever. They lost a baby, they might not even have a picture of that baby, but they lost a baby. And the same goes for all the other kind of losses. No matter how soon or how long after they are born the heartbreak is real and it is more than just that they lost a baby. They are denied the right to be parent to that child, they are stripped of their mommy and daddy titles before they are given the chance to use them. I say it's different from loosing an older person because you can cherish the memories you had with them alive, you can relish in all the special moments they had and you had with them. When you loose a baby you might be lucky if you have one. You might not even have a picture. And in the case of early miscarriages, you never get to even see their sweet face. It is personal because no two stories are alike, we have our own paths and our own experiences. It's what makes us, our stories and our angels unique.

You might wonder why I say it's special. Because no matter how or how long they were with you you were a mother and a father for that brief period of time. You had a baby, and thats special and something to cherish. It's bittersweet, but it is special. This is why I can smile when talking about my baby girl. It tears me up inside that she's not here but it also makes me feel special that she was at one point. And for some reason because I can smile through her story people seem to think I'm alright, that i'm no longer grieving, that nothing is wrong, but I can say that there is and always will be something very much wrong...and I will always grieve.

And then you decide one day to try again...and this opens up a whole new world of worry, excitement, heartache and joy. Your excited to have another baby while your heart still aches for the one you lost. You grieve all over again each month as another cycle has led to failure. You find joy in the aspect of having another little one but worry about if this pregnancy will go the same way or if there will be a whole new world of complications, etc. This is where I am today, I'm TTC after a loss.