The Birth Plan...

(from the sarcastic journal)

Somewhere along in the Grand Scheme of All Things Vagina Related, a person came up with the idea of having “A Birth Plan.”

For those of you who have no idea what I’m talking about (I guess you’ve been staying away from those pregnancy message boards like I told you to!) a birth plan is basically self-explanatory. It is a plan on how you want to give birth.

The births of my two children couldn’t have been any more different. When my daughter was born in July of 2004, I had suffered through a long and stressful pregnancy. My plan was this: Have a baby with the least amount of pain possible. In fact, if I could have the baby while asleep, that would be great.

I did no research on the topic of baby-having. Why would I? I wanted to have an epidural the first second I felt any discomfort. Needless to say, when I did start having contractions, I totally freaked out.

With my second child, I tried more advance planning. I researched things on the Internet. I read books and went to message boards where women discussed the pros and cons of having epidurals. I learned about the types of drugs available. I listened to Hypnobirthing CDs and tried to put myself in a good frame of mind.

I even wrote a birth plan. Basically it went like this: I want to do what I want to do and you can’t stop me!

I know of many women that were a little uptight with the planning of their births. They wanted copies printed out and handed off to nurses at the hospital. They drilled their doctors during checkups on what was and wasn’t allowed.

Here’s what it boils down to, especially if this is your first child: It is good to have wishes. It is GREAT to educate yourself on the process of birth and what is or isn’t available. But, when a human being is coming out of your “vajayjay,” things get messy. You might want drugs. You may decide you want to squat on all fours and bark like a dog. You may decide to denounce all men for their ability to produce sperm.

When you are down on all fours, barking like a dog, handing out said birth plan will probably be one of the last things on your mind. And? That’s okay. Just bark at anyone who doesn’t do things the way you like. You might get known as the “Crazy in room 203,” but heck, at least you’ll get things done the way you want.