So Surreal

I feel very much like i'm swinging in some sort of unknown. You can tell me as many times as you wish to relax, enjoy the pregnancy, everything will be alright, but they are all empty words. Maybe they are words of good intentions, but empty in my ears and heart.

With Kaitlin we feared miscarriage so waited to tell everyone. What did that gain us? Nothing. We lost her at 31 weeks old and were crushed.

With Emilie I was determined to tell the world... I wanted to celebrate every moment pregnant. I was still afraid but a part of me felt I had a free pass, that I wouldn't miscarry. I had already suffered a loss so I wouldn't ever again. So I got through the first trimester with almost no fear. My fear came later as she god bigger the 20 week ultrasound, etc.

Then came Sage. I again felt I was dealt a free pass...but fate has a funny way of pulling tricks. I miscarried. Another little angel, another loss, my small bliss bubble popped forever.

Now we are pregnant again. I'm only 3 days in and I'm terrified. What if this will be repeat of Kaitlin or Sage? Obviously I hope with all my heart it's a repeat of Emilie... but I'm constantly worried. I feel like every morning I should wake up and take a test to just make sure I still am. I sometimes don't think I could be, that it's a mistake the fates have played again. I will eventually go to the doctor the appointment for the 30th the day before my birthday... which should be a good omen right? I have asked to be seen sooner and it's being worked on I think. A blood test might even help queal this ball of fear I'm carrying around.

No one out there will understand these feelings, no one unless they have lived it...you can try but it's impossible to really get it. What should be the happiest moments to come in my days (ultrasounds, tests, heartbeats) will all be filled with anxiety. I don't approach many appointments where I get to see the baby excited anymore, instead it's fear I will walk in and find it's gone, done or never was. How on earth I will get through these next few weeks is beyond me...

I'm lost between worlds. I want to be happy, I want to be excited...but instead there is a permanent cast of grey over me. I love this baby just like I have the rest from the moment the stick turned...but every moment I wait for my world to come crashing down around me again.