My feelings of doom and gloom

I can't shake it, I can't shake the feelings of doom and gloom. No matter how hard I try to put my faith into my angels telling me THIS IS MY YEAR...I can't shake it. I called today get me HCG results. They were about 48 hours apart perhaps alittle less but only went up about 1000, which doesn't mean it's over, but I wanted to see a nice LARGE number instead. With Em I didn't go up and up that quickly either. But then yesterday my morning sickness sort of took a back seat...so then I worry am I loosing symptoms again? (that was a sure sign with Sage things were over). But I also figured out dairy and water seem to give my tummy the uneasies...so was it that I stayed away from it? Or maybe it was because I sat on the couch most of the day cause I didn't sleep much and so I was tired and didn't want to move. I don't know.

So many out there will say "relax, everything will be okay" "or you can't stop it so why worry".  I can't SHUT IT OFF. I want to. Oh how I wish I could be niave again. Those who have never had a loss have NO IDEA how blissful their pregnancies are...they don't see or understand it. And it's different. Those who have had an early miscarriage seem to regain that blissful peace once out of the first trimester (some do some don't). But for me it never goes away. My first loss was at 29 weeks, a baby who lived for two weeks. We thought she was good to go. Sure a NICU stay but good to go... then she was torn from us just as quick. Then with Em I didn't worry about the first trimester so much. I did but I also could hold on to the fact that I did my time and had my loss, it was time for a healthy baby. And I got her. So when we got pregnant again I felt we were on the path for a repeat Emilie, nope early miscarriage. It's like fate wants to throw all it can at me. So now I lost my small bubble of hope I would never have to do it again. Now I feel doomed to repeat it over and over again. So there is why I feel doomed and gloomed...like no matter how much I want this baby, it's not going to happen.

I fill my days with research, hoping, and just with fluff. I try to distract myself with house cleaning (when I feel alright), reading about what the baby should be doing, etc. I don't know how get out of this bubble. I keep hoping beyond hope I just make it.

This Friday is another ultrasound. With Sage the second ultrasound gave us the horrible news that no baby was to be had. Maybe thats why I feel gloomy... sort of like how I felt right before Emilie's big 20 week one when we found out all was wrong with Kaitlin. Like I expect a repeat outcome. How do you get over that? How do you move past that? I just don't know.

I swore I would try to keep this journal truthful of my internal feelings. I hope someday it might bring comfort to another soul. It's just wishful thinking perhaps, but it might help show someone who feels alone in this they are NOT. I have nothing to hide my feelings are my feelings and no one can take that from me. If you don't like them then don't read the blog.