Reality?

Remember me posting saying I kept waiting on waking up that this was just a dream. I still have yet to shake that feeling. I am pretty sure it's my minds way of protecting me. I mean if I don't get too invested how much can I really loose (I SO KNOW that is not how it's going to go down if something were to happen, but it seems to be the only reason I can muster). I seriously daily seem to forget i'm pregnant. So all the symptoms are there, they make it real, but my mind still is struggling to REALLY grab a hold and realize this is what is happening. I feel like I do after giving birth to Emilie. I took what seemed forever for me to bond. I was waiting daily for something to take her away from me. I hope I can get over this feeling BEFORE this one comes this time... it would be nice to not feel like an awful mother the first month or so of your newborns life. I just don't know what it's going to take. I've told myself from the start I just want to get to the point i can HEAR the heartbeat. We are getting close. I don't mean like one blublup on occasion. I mean hear it anytime I stick the ole doppler there. In theory in another two weeks I should be able to. Maybe then things will change, but until then I sort of hang in this nonreality that my mind has created....which is driving me nuts.

On a side note...

Craving of peanutbutter has seemed to set in and sadly I ate the last of it today :\ I also still really want strawberries but it seems hard to find good non rotten ones. And I REALLY want some roasted red pepper dip...but the local one is creamy and I don't know if I dare eat that with this dairy aversion.