CD 3

I was asked today how I was feeling by a co-worker. She said she asked because I looked down. I do hope I'm not that transparent. However it could be the lack of sleep I've had the past few nights catching up with me :\ No rest though. I have a meeting after work and then early tomorrow morning we are off to NYC. I was feeling a little down today. Still dealing with AF and I hate dealing with her. When she's staying with me it's like a reminder hourly of how we failed again. So i like it when her stay is brief.

CD 2

I work in child care so I went back to work today and thankfully it was only a half day. Somedays it's hard taking care of other's baby's when I don't have one of my own. I also learned that we will be getting a new kid, only 4 months old next week. I think it will be a tough week.

The two I have now are much older and so I don't connect them so much with Kaitlin. She will always be a baby in my mind so any baby that is really little I don't pay much attention to, because it bothers me. If I see them in stores I divert my eyes, it's just easier.

CD 1

I wanted to write a blog about my experiences, I realized on CD 10 that writing one about how I feel as I go through a cycle that which will probably end in failure was an idea. Perhaps it will help others realize that it's okay to feel the way we do. It's okay that I feel the way I feel.

CD1 I had circled on the calender, as I do every start of a new cycle (I find the day that I can expect AF to show again). We have now been trying for 7 cycles.

This morning I woke up and with no signs of AF i tested, and of course it came back negative. I tested at 6 am and cried alone on the couch until 7. DH came out and of course I'm sure knew what was wrong almost immediately but asked and gave me big hugs and kisses. The problem is that I got my hopes up. I wasn't getting signs of AF, I had other weird signs that made me think I was preggers, so I had high hopes and they came crashing down around me at 6 am that morning.

And when the negative shows, it doesn't only say "hey this is another failed attempt" it also says "remember Kaitlin, and what you lost? how long ago was that now?" It just rubs in my face how much I wanted a baby and how brief our dear daughter stayed with us. It reminds me that I should be breastfeeding and trying to prevent pregnancy and not trying to get pregnant again. It reminds me that I have now been trying for 6 months/7 cycles and nothing. It makes me feel like there is something wrong with me and my body. That maybe all Kaitlin's problems were due to something I did, and maybe I can't get pregnant again because of something i did.

I didn't go to to work today, neither did DH. We went on an adventure which ended up being a little bit of waste of time, came home and spent the rest of day watching 24 cuddled on the couch. It didn't break away all my depression from the morning's events but it helped and it was nice to have a reconnect day.

TTC After a Loss

So really no one can relate to how it feels to go through a loss until they have had one of their own. It's a very personal, special and heartbreaking thing that can't be compared to anything else in the world. Sure people deal with loss, like the loss of a parent or a friend or an uncle, but loosing a baby is very different. I will even go on to say its even very different than loosing an older child. There is world of women that know what it's like. Some deal with having a miscarriage, others loss the infant when it was too early for medicine to intervene, others loose them during their struggle in the NICU, some loose them before they are born, and some die later at home due to SIDS or other complications. All these are very different, but also very much the same.

When you get pregnant, even if it's "unwanted" you quickly become attached. You start to think about when you bring them home, how they will grow up, what color their room will be, sharing them with others, and all the other hopes and dreams parents have for their children. Even before the mother starts showing these feelings and dreams and being created in the parents. When a pregnancy is lost early on society often feels the parents shouldn't feel anything, or not for a long period of time, but let me tell you something it stays with them forever. They lost a baby, they might not even have a picture of that baby, but they lost a baby. And the same goes for all the other kind of losses. No matter how soon or how long after they are born the heartbreak is real and it is more than just that they lost a baby. They are denied the right to be parent to that child, they are stripped of their mommy and daddy titles before they are given the chance to use them. I say it's different from loosing an older person because you can cherish the memories you had with them alive, you can relish in all the special moments they had and you had with them. When you loose a baby you might be lucky if you have one. You might not even have a picture. And in the case of early miscarriages, you never get to even see their sweet face. It is personal because no two stories are alike, we have our own paths and our own experiences. It's what makes us, our stories and our angels unique.

You might wonder why I say it's special. Because no matter how or how long they were with you you were a mother and a father for that brief period of time. You had a baby, and thats special and something to cherish. It's bittersweet, but it is special. This is why I can smile when talking about my baby girl. It tears me up inside that she's not here but it also makes me feel special that she was at one point. And for some reason because I can smile through her story people seem to think I'm alright, that i'm no longer grieving, that nothing is wrong, but I can say that there is and always will be something very much wrong...and I will always grieve.

And then you decide one day to try again...and this opens up a whole new world of worry, excitement, heartache and joy. Your excited to have another baby while your heart still aches for the one you lost. You grieve all over again each month as another cycle has led to failure. You find joy in the aspect of having another little one but worry about if this pregnancy will go the same way or if there will be a whole new world of complications, etc. This is where I am today, I'm TTC after a loss.

RIP -- Kaitlin Terra

After a 14 day NICU stay Kaitlin's body wasn't going to tolerate much more and we chose to end her ventilator. She lived for an hour on her own before passing away. She made us a mother and a father, a special gift only she could give us. A moment in our lives that make many other ones simple in comparison.

Kaitlin Terra

Kaitlin is/was our first little girl. She was born at 2lbs 10oz and had to be whisked away to the NICU for a heap of issues. You can read her struggle and story in two places. 

Online on her blog I had kept for her: Kaitlin's Blog

Or her online scrapbook: Kaitlin's Scrapbook

Still one of my favorite comics :)